Bringing out the Best in Each Other

Posted by Ann Deaton Share Your Voice

For quite some time now I've been noticing how often it is that we are at our absolute worst when we feel insecure. I notice this in myself, and I notice it all around me. Our insecurity can incapacitate us. And in a conversation a few weeks ago I recognized that we already have the solution to this challenge. The solution is us. Specifically, the solution is love.

When we love another unconditionally, we make it possible for that person to relax in their being and bring their best selves to any situation. It doesn't matter whether the relationship is that of athlete and coach, boss and direct report, child and parent, teacher and student, business partners, or the best of friends. Loving another unconditionally enables that other person to feel known and treasured. They see the gift in who they are, and can take a deep breath and relax into being their very best. Feeling secure and loved enables us to save all our energy for what we want rather than using it up defending against a possible threat to our vulnerable selves.

AND loving another unconditionally makes it possible to challenge that other person to grow, to be more and better. Knowing we are on solid ground already in the eyes of another creates the sense of security that empowers us to take the risk of reaching to be more than we currently are.

One of the first times I remember noticiing this phenomenon is when my son, now 19, was in the 2nd grade. I went to his school on my lunch hour one day to be the "mystery reader" for the class. As I peeked through the window on the classroom door, I could see the 20-some children sitting in a circle as their teacher spoke with them. My son, and several other children, were squirmy. My son had a hard time sitting still and being quiet while others talked. Watching him made me wonder if there was a problem with his behavior in the classroom. I took his teacher aside afterwards to ask her if there was something we needed to address. I'll never forget her warmth and genuine love for my son and for all the children as she said "Yes, he's squirmy. He's just learning to settle himself down for long periods and to be quiet when it's important to be quiet. He's also bright and he's learning. He loves all the other children and he loves school. Every day he works on getting a little bit better in our circle time. He is enjoying that challenge, and every day he's a little bit better. There's no problem, no need to worry."

Wow! i thought as I walked away. She loves him. She accepts him just the way he is, AND she is challenging him to grow. Her love makes him feel secure and in the light of that security he is eagerly taking on her challenge. Wow!

This miracle happens just as readily in our businesses.

• Matt makes a mistake on a project. He is nervous about telling his project manager, afraid he'll be in trouble. Matt spends precious hours trying to figure out what to do, how to make it better, even talking to his wife to figure out how he can handle it. He finally tells his boss his error, Matt is surprised that, instead of chastising him, his boss compliments his honesty and hard work. She spends time with him to show him how to correct his mistakes, and lets Matt know she appreciates his commitment. That's love. And, no surprise, Matt rises to the challenge and the next day he comes in a little earlier in the morning and his work is a little bit better.
• Betsy, a mid-level manager, is struggling to balance her new responsibilities and concerned her boss will feel he's made a mistake to promote her. As she is eating lunch at her desk trying to sort out what she should prioritize, her boss stops by and sits across from her for a few minutes. He tells her the story of his first promotion, how scared he was, and how overwhelmed. Then he hands Betsy a plaque with a quote on it: "In order that people may be happy in their work, these three things are needed: They must be fit for it. They must not do too much of it. And they must have a sense of success in it." --John Ruskin Her boss says to Betsy "I already know you are a good fit for this work or I wouldn't have chosen you. If there is more than you can do right now I'll get you help so you can get it done as you are learning. And, by the way, here are two successes I've seen you have this week." That's love. And it's such a strong platform that it makes almost anything possible for Betsy.
  

Where in your life and work are you finding yourself critical of another?

What might happen if you chose instead to love them unconditionally, while simultaneously asking them to step into being their best?

What does love make possible?

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Ann Deaton I am a leadership coach, and Managing Partner in Bounce. I love to coach and facilitate with individuals and systems experiencing significant change and growth. The clients I work with, regardless of their age or position, are talented and creative individuals willing to look with fresh eyes at their challenges and opportunities, and to take action based on their discoveries. As a result, they find that they are capable of accomplishing far greater things than they ever imagined. What do you want to accomplish today? Who do you want to be?