Perfection Reflection

Posted by Nicki Peasley Share Your Voice

A few months ago, I was making a u-turn in my mini-van and I ran into a boulder. It made a horrendous sound and when I got out to check the damage, I found my bumper crushed and cracked and beyond any repair I could do before my husband saw it.  Truly, this little fender bender was divinely planned for that particular point on my journey (I needed a loud wake up call to slow down).  But that’s another blog.

This reflection is about perfection. 

Fast forward to yesterday when my husband came home and announced we’d just made our last car payment on the van… we owned it, no longer at the mercy of the man.  And I said, “Awesome, now we’ll have some cash to fix the bumper.”  And my beautiful man put his hands on my shoulders and looked deeply into my eyes and said, “Honey, I’m done with perfection.”

All my life, I’ve struggled with perfection.  In 3^rd grade, I would go through 20 sheets of paper when writing my vocabulary sentences (eraser marks were messy); in high school, at the height of my fashionista days (I was cutting edge), I would spend hours designing outfits with the ideal blend of spandex and denim; as a young adult, it was all about grades (the B I got in economics was unacceptable); and at 39 ½ with a husband, a house, 3 kids and a job—oh man, I could write volumes of perfection reflections on “living the dream.”

And while these examples are all about the exterior landscape of my life, they illustrate with crystal clarity my inner longing to be and do and have….  ENOUGH.   It always comes back to that, huh?

And now, as I look from my husband’s sweet gaze to my big blue kid carrier parked in front of the house, I wonder, “What am I seeking that fixing the bumper will help me find?”

Perfection.  Being enough.  Doing enough.  Having enough. Ouch.  That’s not easy to swallow.  I like to think of myself as free flowing and that’s certainly how I present to the world.   All good.  Just a little dent in the bumper.  It adds character. When inside, I’m screaming, “FIX THE BUMPER… IT ISN’T PERFECT!”

OK.  Back to my husband’s gaze.  This man who sees all of me and loves me anyway.  This is a critical moment for us.  With his big blue eyes, he is making a request of me to let it go.  After decades of enabling my drive for perfection, he is done.   And maybe for the first time in my life, I am too.

I melt into him, this liberating sense of calm washing over me.  And he whispers, in my ear, “And I would really appreciate it if you didn’t hit anything else.”

*Post Note:  Typically, after writing anything, I read it through at least 6 times; I rephrase sentences and obsess over punctuation (I use a lot of …. and --); and my thesaurus gets a workout finding the “perfect” words. 

NOT THIS TIME.  This is a first draft.  This is me.  And it’s enough.

⇐ Previous Post: Perfection Reflection Next Post: Living Lent - Days 34-45 ⇒

Nicki Peasley I am the CEO of my home, managing a team consisting of a 40 year old, an 11 year old, an 8 year old, and a 6 year old. In my spare time, I am the YOUth development director for Bounce, writing curriculums and working (playing and learning) with elementary and middle school youth.