The beauty of staying in the question

Posted by Kelly Lewis Share Your Voice

On November 19, 2010, while writing my last blog post, Living the Upside of Life, I made a declaration (leadership speak for making a commitment) - I will stay in the question, "How do I live into the upside of my life?".  

Have you ever heard the saying, "when the student is ready the teacher will appear"?  Well, appear she did.  On November 23rd, 2010, my teacher appeared in my inbox in the form of a TED Talk.   I listened to Brene Brown, a researcher and story teller from the University of Texas, talk about how her research on courage, connection, compassion, authenticity, and vulnerability, changed her perception and ultimately how she lived, loved, worked, and parented.   In 20 minutes Brene Brown put one word to something I had been feeling (and tried very hard not to feel) without a word to describe it since July 7, 2008 - vulnerability.  

I know that this uncomfortable feeling all started in 2008 because I had my first ever flash back this week while looking for this photo of Jack and Charlie. And it went something like this.

December 22nd, 2010 - there I was sitting on the floor in our home searching recent photos on my Mac. Woooooossshhh...July 7, 2008 - there I was sitting at my desk at Capital One reading emails on my PC only 8 days before I officially retired from my 20 year corporate career:)   An email from Glenn popped into my inbox.  Included in it was a similar photo (see the slideshow) to the one of Jack and Charlie but it was of Rudy, our then 15 year old pup (God rest his soul:)), that said, "Rudy says don't be afraid to stick your nose out there".  "Stick my nose out there???...Don't be afraid...Afraid of what???", I thought to myself.  "Afraid of not getting a paycheck?  Afraid of failing?  Afraid of not getting to work with a fabulous group of people?"  I knew at that moment, I was afraid but had no clue what I was actually afraid of.

Until...woooossssshhhhhh...back to December 22, 2010.  I was afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid because in order to put everything I believed in, I had learned, practiced, and mastered, and I used to improve the way I led and lived out there for other organizational leaders, educators, parents, women, young people, I had to be open...be willing to be fully seen...be exposed to being hurt (Aaaahhhhh...Kelly, I think you just wrote the definition for vulnerable:)).  

Having a word to put to this feeling doesn't make the feeling less comfortable but it does allow me to fully embrace it - I now have vulnerability...it no longer has me.  And it has allowed me to realize that what Brene Brown said in her eloquent, powerful, and funny TED talk is true - when I fully embrace vulnerability I see that what makes me vulnerable also makes me ME. Now that is what I call living the upside of my life!

So what did I learn by staying in the question?  Two things really:

1. The question itself taught me another way I live into the upside of my life - having the courage to be imperfect and the willingness to fully embrace vulnerability
2. The process of staying in the question is not an easy task for me. My default tendency (the one that protects me from feeling vulnerable and tries to make the unknown known) is to find the answer, wrap it up in a big box, and tie a neat red bow around the whole package. And despite my default tendencies...I am doing it....I am unlearning old patterns and practicing new ones - ones that serve me and the people I serve better.  

And I think the coolest thing of all that came from this exercise was a deep gratitude for our friends, clients, and partners - a community of leaders that make it really easy for me to put myself out there - to lead them and learn from them each and every day!  

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Kelly Lewis Hello! Here are a few things that I have found support me in creating the life I want, keeping myself in check, and leading with courage and compassion: a slow walk with my hubby and our pups, my work, honesty with myself, the smile of another, and mother nature.